The Remaking of Myself
by Lanni55
Summary: "It's funny how despite the trials we go through in life, the terrible things that happen to us, we can still manage to laugh, to smile, to be victorious." When 19 year-old Bella Swan meets Edward Cullen, will she let herself fall for his obvious charm and kind spirit or will her dark past continue to rule her life and her choices? Based on an entirely true story.
1. Prologue

**A/N: All characters belong to SM.**

* * *

**Prologue**

_I'm fucking up, I'm fucking up, I'm fucking up everything._

_Girls with Accents_ - Fences

**February, 2013**

My eyes burn raw as tears continue to fall, striking my flushed cheeks but offering no relief. With my knees pulled up to my chest, my back hunched, I take up only the smallest amount of room on the edge of the sofa. While only hours ago, I was bawling and bawling, not able to stop it, to pull myself together, at least now I am numb.

I like numb.

Sitting here in the dark of my basement, the television switched off, even my music switched off, I wait.

For a phone call, a text, a visit. For him to finally tell me it's over. That he's tried. He's tried to be with me, with the fucked up girl who could never offer him anything real; could not even offer him a fucking sentiment of affection.

And I've questioned it from day one. Why would a guy like him, a guy who's good-looking, hilarious, and smart, a guy whom everyone can't help but like, be with _me_?

I'm nobody. No matter how many times that he's told me the opposite, that Rosalie and Alice have told me the opposite, I know, still, that I'm worthless. Really, after all the shit I've done, I sicken myself; I can't even imagine how he feels.

He probably just liked fucking me. Isn't that really what every guy's intentions are? Why they spend time with me in the first place?

I am, after all, pretty. I have a petite body, a head full of frizzy brown hair that I tame with an iron every day, and light brown eyes. My teeth are straight, my boobs are small, and my tongue is pierced.

That last fact is probably what guys like the most.

However, on the inside, the part that people can't see, the part that I hide from everyone, that I hide from myself, is blackened. She is hideous, weak, and oh so dirty. She is the part of me that hopes by fucking this guy, or that guy, maybe I do have some worth after all. She is the part of me that craves being high or drunk or both, because when I am, I forget about her and all of her ugliness.

She is the part of me that he has been slowly destroying over the past six months, and where she once was, he leaves his light, his warmth, and his laughter.

But after what happened Friday night, the catastrophe I caused that I have no recollection of, she is back full-force. And I realize his presence hasn't gotten rid of her at all; that she has always still been here, biding her time. All he was is a lie. All of the kind words, the feelings he gave me about myself, that I am someone worth loving, were completely untrue. I can see that now. He was only fooling the both of us.

And the fact that he sees it now too, that he finally realizes who I really am, well… that hurts more than anything.

* * *

**A/N:**

So…here's a new story. Please don't worry, I will finish So Wrong, I have not abandoned it. I have just been traveling for the past four months in Asia and writing was really not an option at the time.

This story, however, is something that I really need to write.

You see, it is completely and utterly true. It is the story of my best friend and what her life has consisted of for the past two years. Even the dates and times are true. Really, the only things that I've changed are the names of the characters and where it takes place. This is, after all, an Edward and Bella story. This story is angsty, yes, but I'm hoping it's nothing you guys can't handle. I have been living this story in real life, and I've managed after all.

It has a happy ending, but it's a bumpy ride. There are going to be descriptions of forced sex and heavy drug use. Bella is going to do a lot of things that you won't approve of, and trust me, seeing it happen in real life was probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to live through.

But I honestly think it's a story worth telling.

So, feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

See you soon! ;)


	2. Chapter One

**A/N: All characters belong to SM.**

* * *

**Chapter One**

_And, lately, I know_  
_Somehow if there with nothing, _  
_I'd having something to show._  
_Raiding my head,_  
_Raiding my death_  
_Too many restless summer nights,_  
_Too many drunken, lonely pints._

_Sadie _- Fences

**Late August, 2012**

Tonight will be awesome.

I can already feel it.

After a long and hot summer, the days are finally beginning to cool off, the leaves changing into pale yellows and deep reds. In the morning, the dew that once covered the earth has turned into frost, and when I step outside in the morning for a much-needed smoke, my breath is visible in the crisp, moist air.

The summer is rapidly coming to an end, and tonight, I am going out with my girls. In just a few weeks they will be starting a new semester of school at the University of Washington Tacoma. Alice, in her fourth year of education, will be completing her internship, and Rosalie, beginning her second year of nursing, will also have a lot of work cut out for her.

Who knows when and how often I will get to see them. Luckily however, the city that we all grew up is also where they chose to go to school, and if I only get to see them once a week in light of their busy schedules, it is at least better than only during holidays, like those who are attending school elsewhere in this vast country of ours.

Regardless of what the new school year brings, we at least have tonight. And I for one plan on having a _shit-ton_ of fun tonight. With my younger brother Seth and his brand new driver's license driving us to the bar, we don't have to worry about a DD, and that means that even Alice, who is usually our designated driver, will be letting loose tonight.

In fact, both Alice and Rosalie should be arriving soon for pre-drinks, courtesy of Rosalie's brother, Eric.

With a sigh, I head from my bathroom, where I have spent the last hour showering, shaving, straightening my hair, and applying some makeup, and into my bedroom to decide on what to wear.

When my parents decided to redo the basement, being the eldest child meant that I could have my bedroom down here, away from their prying eyes and ears, not to mention away from my two younger brothers, Seth and Brady. Believe me, it has definitely come in handy when I would rather my parents not see exactly what I was doing in the company of some of my friends… if you catch my drift.

My bedroom is small; much too small to comfortably house my bed, desk and dresser. But I make it work. It`s really just a room that I sleep in anyway. No actual time is spent in here.

And therefore, it's a complete disaster.

Clothes form piles all around the floor, on the desk, and even on my bed, making it hard for me to find that one sexy dress that I_ know_ I have to wear tonight.

It`s cream colour with a black lace overlay. It`s tight all the way down to where it hits me mid-thigh, just covering my ass. It even gives me a decent amount of cleavage. And with my almost non-existent boobs, trust me, that`s an accomplishment.

It`s a dress that hopefully will turn some heads tonight.

I sit down, hard, on my floor, preparing myself to look for the hot little number. Rifling through the piles of clothes, and still not seeing it, I am becoming more and more conscious of the time, of the fact that Alice and Rosalie will soon be here.

I am notorious for keeping them waiting.

Getting more and more desperate, I dig through piles of clothes that I haven't touched for months, still not coming up with the dress.

But the soft cotton that I pull forth, out from under an old sweater, is enough to make me stop looking; it's enough to make my breath stop short.

The dress is light and airy. It's blue cotton with small white flowers imprinted throughout the fabric. It has a fitted bodice, but flairs out at my hips, falling down to my knees.

It's a beautiful dress; I cannot deny that. But it's definitely not one that I would wear anymore, for more than one reason.

And the thought of the last time I wore it, over two years ago on July 23rd, 2010, brings bile up to my throat.

* * *

_I push the blue fabric down of the dress over my slim hips, hoping that he will find me pretty enough._

_But I know he will._

_James, my boyfriend of three weeks, has been nothing but thorough in the amount of compliments he gives me. _

_It makes me feel special. _

_It makes me feel beautiful. _

_I love it. _

_And, although I've only been dating him for three weeks, I'm pretty sure that I love James too. He is like nothing I've ever experienced before. Well, considering before two weeks ago I had never kissed a boy before, ever, let alone been in any kind of relationship, I guess that makes sense. For a seventeen-year-old, five-star virgin like myself, having James take an interest in me is an amazing, powerful feeling, one that I cannot get enough of._

_My mom calls down the stairs, letting me know that _he_ is here. _

_James is here!_

_I rush up the stairs, not wanting him to spend any more time with my parents than necessary. And it's not that he will leave a bad impression on them, no, it's quite the opposite._

_I seriously don't want my eccentric, crazy parents embarrassing me in front of this special, beautiful boy._

_Barely able to stop myself from tripping over my own feet, I finally make it to main level of my house, and, rushing past the kitchen, I reach the front door where my mom and James are currently standing, awkwardly making conversation._

_I stop running._

_No matter how often I see him, he still takes my breath away._

_James has blonde hair that falls into his eyes no matter how many times he pushes it back. His eyes are a deep, piercing blue and I love them. When he smiles, they crinkle at the corners, and become even _more _beautiful, if that's even possible. He is tall and lanky like most teenagers his age, but I really don't care._

_To me, James is absolutely perfect and tonight, we are going to see Cirque Du Solei._

_When James sees me, that smile I love so much lights up his face and I can feel a similar one adorning my own in response. Mom chuckles, breaking the spell, and brushes past me._

_"Have a good night, Bella." she whispers. I nod in response, still unwilling to take my eyes off of James._

* * *

I rush to the bathroom, and launch myself over the toilet, hoping I will make it in time.

Thankfully, nothing comes up.

I shake my head, trying to dispel the disquieting thoughts, stop the nausea, and regain my focus. I know now I only have a few minutes before the girls get here.

And holy _fuck_ do I need a drink.

I slowly walk back to my bedroom in search for my dress again, pointedly ignoring the blue cotton that is still balled up in the middle of my floor.

I am unwilling to go _there_ again.

Luckily for me, however, the tight black dress is in the first place that I _should_ have looked, actually put away unlike so many other articles. I shrug it on quickly.

It's tight; tighter than last year.

Alice and Rosalie would definitely say that that is a good thing. They were _not_ fans of my weight loss the previous year. But it's not like I could help it. I just…couldn't eat; didn't have any appetite.

My Blackberry buzzes from where I left it on my desk at the same time I hear the doorbell go off upstairs.

A genuine smile lights up my face, knowing that my girls are here. Racing up the stairs, and spinning in my slippers towards the entrance, I see that they have already let themselves in and are taking off their shoes. Rosalie looks gorgeous like always in a sequinned tank top and dark skinny jeans, her feet encased in silver flats. Her makeup is done to perfection and her blonde hair is straightened down her back, all shiny and long. Alice is wearing a grey one-sleeved tee and black jeans. She has gold flats on and a beautiful gold-coloured necklace that falls into her cleavage. Her short brown hair has been straightened, and falls in pieces around her ears and eyes.

They both look stunning.

We all grin at each other and my grin widens once Alice pulls out the bottle of vodka from her huge purse, holding it triumphantly above her head in mock-celebration. Out of the three of us, only Alice is 21; Rosalie and I are both 19. We do have fake IDs, thus us going to the bar tonight, but Alice still usually gets the alcohol for Rosalie and I.

Chatting excitedly, we move into the kitchen and I find us three tall glasses, plus soda for mix.

"Oh-my-goodness guys, you have to see this picture of Otis. Look, _Look_! Isn't he the cutest?" Rosalie thrusts her IPhone into my face, then Alice's. A picture of her brown dog fills up the screen, and I don't really see what is so _cute_ about it.

Alice and I roll our eyes at Rosalie. Out of the three of us, only Rosalie is a dog person. And by the way she talks about her dog, Otis, you would think that he was her baby.

Trying to change the topic of conversation, Alice says, "Hey! Did either of you happen to watch the game last weekend? I really think they are going to do well this year, they were amazing! They beat the Titans by 10 points and you should have _seen_ the pass that Wilson made to Edwards. Just amazing!"

By "they", Alice means the Seattle Seahawks. Only Alice pays attention to football out of the three of us, and whenever she brings it up, Rosalie and I groan in unison. Of course, it never actually deters her. I think out of anyone that I know, Alice knows the most about the sport. Hell, I'm pretty sure she could "out-ref" the ref.

Conversation swirls between new stories that we haven't told each other, and reminiscing on old memories that we have shared. Sometimes we all get involved in a topic, laughing and speaking over one another to get to the best part, and sometimes the conversation is really only of interest to one of us, like Rosalie's precious dog or Alice's precious Seahawks. But it doesn't matter; that's just how we work. Besides, I'm currently concentrating more on drinking as much as I can before it's time to leave than anything else. Judging by the way Rosalie and Alice are pouring drinks, they feel the same way.

When it comes to alcohol, the three of us are hardly _ever_ on the same page. Last year, when I was drinking quite irresponsibly, or when my drinking had led to other "activities", Rosalie and Alice barely touched the stuff at all. It's better now though, or at least we all pretend it is.

Too soon it is time to head to the bar. After making the mistake too many times of going too late, and thus waiting in line for hours, we now know to arrive earlier. I send a quick text to Seth, who is currently holed up in his bedroom, and let him know we are ready to go when he is. Once we all pile into my parent's van, I plug in my IPod, turn on Bombay Bicycle Club, and we are off.

* * *

Loud music pounds in my head and my body pulses and twists to the rhythm. Bright lights swim all around me, disjointed with moving bodies and touch. Alice, who is officially obnoxiously drunk, pulls on my arm, trying to drag me to meet another one of her friends.

Being that Alice is of legal age, there are many more people here that she knows than I do. But I like it. Her friends from high school and university are all pretty great, and despite really trying not to, I'm keeping my eye out for any hot ones.

And there are definitely a few.

After I meet Brennan, or Brendan, or whatever-his-name-is, Alice and Rosalie each take one of my arms, and I find myself mashed in-between them, being squeezed from all sides. We are swaying and moving our hips to the music, pushing and forming and combining. I can smell Rosalie's shampoo and the pungent smell of alcohol on Alice's breath.

It's a heady feeling and for right now, right at this moment, I feel okay. The tightness to which the girls are holding me makes me feel secure and safe. Furthermore, my own inebriation has done wonders to numb the dull ache in my chest, to make me forget. Like always, the alcohol has settled over me like a thick blanket, protecting me from the thoughts and memories that I can't seem to escape from on my own. And at this point, I don't want this moment to end. However, after the song finishes, Rosalie shouts in my ear that she wants another drink and I watch her and Alice leave, stumbling and giggling through the crowd towards the bar. I watch them go, and I don't even mind that I am still out here, on the dance floor, by myself.

Because I know that they will come back. They _always_ come back.

After countless more songs, drinks, dances, and even a few phone numbers entered into my Blackberry, the main lights are suddenly turned on. It is blinding, and we all look around ourselves, as if a spell that we have been under for the past five hours has suddenly been broken. Getting a clearer view of Alice and Rosalie, I am somewhat alarmed at how unfocused Alice's eyes are, much more than they should be.

Fumbling with the touch screen on my phone, I manage to place a call to Seth, asking him to come get us.

Some of Alice's friends are still milling around, periodically coming over to talk to us, laughing at Alice and her inability to stand on her own.

One of the guys definitely stands out, and I can't remember if I have met him tonight or not.

He is tall, over six feet, with a well-defined chest and arms. He has scruff on his cheeks, and dirty blonde hair, almost red-tinged. He is wearing a black tee and well-fitting jeans. And by the look of his hand gestures, and the laughter coming from the circle of guys surrounding him, he is telling a _really_ funny story.

.Alice must get a glimpse of him too, because it is only seconds later that she shouts, "Hey! Edward!" She has a ridiculous grin on her face, and he turns to her with an equally enormous smile.

"My, Alice, aren't you the soberest one of all!" He says, suddenly standing close, taking her all in.

She laughs, throwing her arms up and around his shoulders and he picks her up, holding her under both of her thighs so that her legs wrap around his waist. It would seem pretty intimate, if I didn't know Alice. Alice doesn't really get intimate with anyone, a by-product of her overprotected heart. She lets out a soft sigh, letting her head fall onto his shoulder.

Only then does he look over at Rosalie and me.

His eyes, framed in dark lashes, are a vibrant, shocking _green_.

"You got a place where I can put this?" He jokes, indicating the girl who is all but passed out in his arms. I nod, knowing my brother should be here any minute, and we all head out of the bar. Rosalie and I have our arms wrapped around the other's waist; trying to use each other for balance. Edward follows behind, chucking at our antics and seemingly uncaring that he has a full-grown girl in his arms.

Luckily, we wait only a few minutes before the big, red van pulls up, my brother at the wheel. This seems to get Alice's attention because she perks up, looking surprised at finding herself in someone's arms.

"Edward!" she shouts excitedly, seemingly delighted to find out that he is the one carrying her, "Have you met my friends yet? Rosalie and Bella?"

He shakes his head, still grinning.

"Well, you know Rosalie's brother, Eric, of course. And this is Bella, my friend with the _clit piercing_!"

I stare at the Alice, open-mouthed.

_Oh My God, Kill me now!_

* * *

** A/N: Seriously, that is how the two first met! Lol!**


	3. Chapter Two

**A/N: All characters belong to SM.**

* * *

**Chapter Two**

_The boys around here don't respect a thing, respect a thing at all._

_The boys around here don't respect me, respect me at all._

_Boys Around Here _- Fences

**Late August, 2012**

I wait in line behind Alice at our favourite coffee shop, one that we frequently sit at for hours, a small seed of dread in my stomach in reaction to the mysterious smirk that has adorned her face since she first picked me up this morning. I thought for sure that she wouldn't be able to get out of bed today at all, let alone want to go out for coffee at ten AM, but I guess that's Alice for you.

And I was much too curious to hear what she had to say to pass this up. Whatever it is, it's got to be _really _good, good enough for Alice, who is usually quite subdued, to get _this_ excited. In fact, she is absolutely bouncing on the spot.

After ordering our iced coffees and muffins, waiting for our food, and finding an empty table in silence, I can't take it anymore. As soon as we sit down across from each other, I make eye contact.

"Alice," I exclaim, "_What is it_?"

Her smile widens and she looks down at her fingers that encase her plastic cup briefly before meeting my eyes once again. I think she's trying to figure out how to say it.

"_Well_," she begins, humour colouring her voice, "Edward texted me this morning. You do remember Edward, right?"

And it's a legitimate question. When I drink, I tend to black out more often than not.

But how could I forget _Edward_?

With his extremely touchable hair, bright green eyes, and that _smirk_? Not to mention the way I was introduced to him… I want to crawl into a hole just at the memory of _that_ unfortunate incident. I mean, really Alice? _Clit piercing_?

The piercing in question I had done last April when I was living in New Zealand for a few months. I left home in the middle of February, and came back late May. I knew the behaviour I was engaging in was spiraling out of control, even I could recognize that. The people…the parties…the sex….the drugs….yeah; so _not_ good. So when one of my best childhood friends, Ben, moved down there last fall and left me an open invitation to join, I had to take it.

And despite my currently depleted finances, it was the best decision that I could have made.

Of course, the clit piercing was the "spur of the moment" kind of decision because Ben was getting a labret done, and I figured_, why not?_

But I guess the _why not_ came before I knew that Alice Brandon would blab her big mouth, _especially_ to one Edward Cullen…

"Yeah, Alice. I remember him."

I pointedly scowl at her. Her smile grows impossibly wider.

"Well, Edward says he has several questions for you; that he is _extremely_ curious about a few things…"

"Oh?"

"He said he was very interested in knowing how walking up and down stairs is for you; if it is _uncomfortable_, if you catch my drift."

I burst out laughing.

"Really? He said that?"

_Oh, what a dirty, dirty boy._

Alice is laughing too hard to speak, but nods her head exuberantly in response.

"Bella," she manages after several large gulps of air, "I think the boy likes you. Now let me tell you all about Edward Cullen…"

But I don't hear anymore; my mind is frozen at the word_ like_. I don't do well with _like_. _Like_ tends to give me almost-panic attacks. _Like_ sends me running faster than anything. _Like_ hasn't happened for me in two years; not since_ him_. Not since… James.

* * *

_We fall down on the sofa that sits in front of the television and James asks me if I want to watch a movie. _

_"Sure," I reply. Not caring in the least what we do as long as this evening doesn't end just yet._

_James was wonderful at Cirque. _

_Complimenting me on my blue dress._

_Opening doors, letting me through first._

_A hand at the small of my back as we find our seats._

_His hand clasped in mine throughout the entire show._

_I mean, if this is how it always is in a relationship, I have no clue why I haven't been in one until now._

_James is just so…perfect._

_As the opening credits of whatever movie he picked out lights up my television, I try really hard to concentrate on them as I feel his hand move to my knee, rubbing small circles into the bare skin. I have no idea what to do now, but I lean into him just a little bit more._

_Apparently that's enough._

_When he lightly grabs my chin, I turn my head so that my eyes meet his. His blue eyes are wide open and look between mine before he leans down and kisses me._

_When James first kissed me a few weeks ago, I was so worried that I would be no good at it; that I would embarrass myself and send him running. But James could care less that I had no experience. He said he felt privileged to be my first kiss. He also told me that I was very good at it._

_But even now, as we kiss, his tongue sliding against mine, his mouth encasing my top lip, I'm still getting used to the foreign feeling. _

_James leans over me further, pushing me down, pushing me onto my back; his weight on top of me. The hand that was on my knee has slid up my thigh, bringing my dress up with it._

_And I'm still trying to lose myself enough in the kiss to ignore this new development. I'm still trying to be normal enough not to care that his hand is only a few inches from my underwear. _

_It's really difficult, and my thoughts are running a mile a minute._

_And then suddenly, or at least suddenly to me, his other hand is on my breast. He is rubbing and pushing. And moans are coming out of his mouth. And he is no longer kissing my mouth, but is licking down my neck, kissing the tender skin there. _

_My breathing has picked up, and I don't think it's out of excitement or arousal. _

_But obviously he does._

_The hand that was crawling up my thigh inches its way closer until it is right _there_. Rubbing and pushing. Touching a part of me that no one has ever touched before. _

_I let out a whimper. I mean, I can't really help it at this point._

_James groans with me, and lets go of me long enough to pull his shirt quickly off his head. His eyes, that were wide and blue earlier, are now hooded and black as night. Before coming back down, he pulls lightly on the hem of my dress, the hem that has worked its way up to around my waist. His eyes question mine._

_And I nod because, what else am I supposed to do?_

_And although I should be feeling self-conscious right about now, being that for the first time someone is seeing me in my underwear, is _touching_ me above said underwear, there is still too much going on in my head to even _think_ about that._

Is this really what happens after only three weeks of dating?

Is James going to expect to do this every time we see each other now?

How far does he want to go?

_Before leaning down on me again, James caresses the inside of both of my knees, simultaneously pushing my legs apart. Before I can even think about closing them again, he falls back down, and I feel _him_, right _there_. _

_I breathe out in shaky breaths, trying not to let him see the panic that is slowly rising; trying not to let him see that I'm more than uncomfortable right now._

_Because I think I love him. And if I love him, shouldn't I want to do this?_

_He kisses down my chest, his fingers pulling the straps that are still on my shoulders down my arms. Those fingers circle around my back. They unclasp my bra. _

_I let him take it off. I have to._

_And now his mouth sucks on a nipple, his other hand pulling and twisting the other one._

_And all I can concentrate on is how foreign this feels. I'm not sure it feels good…it's just wet, and strange._

_And his mouth slowly moves down stomach, placing small kisses on my skin. His hands leave my breasts, and slide down my sides. And as soon as I realize where he is headed, he is already there. His fingers grab the sides of my panties and pull then down, all the way off, just as his mouth kisses me _right there_. And if I thought his mouth on my breasts felt strange, that is nothing compared to how strange _this_ feels. _

_And admittedly, all I can think about is, when will this be done? I can hear the movie playing and a part of me still wonders what movie it is. _

_A part of me wonders if James had any intention of watching it at all._

_But as his finger enters me, my thoughts are brought shockingly back to what the present._

_It hurts._

_Really, _really_ hurts._

_I groan out, not being able to stand the pain in silence any longer, and I think James takes this as encouragement. He pushes his finger into me harder and harder._

_And it burns, hurting worse than anything that I've ever felt before._

_After what seems like ages, but is most likely only a few minutes, James drags his body up mine once again, his finger leaving my body. Only…only his jeans aren't on him anymore, they are on the floor, along with the rest of our clothes._

When did that happen?

_As he leans in to kiss me once again, I relax slightly. At least kissing is something I know. This state of calm doesn't last long, however, as his hand reaches around his back to grab one of my own._

_And he brings it down, under the waistband of his boxers, to touch _him_._

_I circle my fingers around, my thumb and middle finger looping over one another. And I move my hand up and down, because I think this is what I'm supposed to do._

_Only, instead of moaning again, James curses._

_"Ow! Bella, not so tight!"_

_It's the first words that he has spoken since he asked me if I would like to watch a movie. I loosen my fingers immediately, shame washing over me that I managed to hurt him in this very basic act._

_James moans as I continue to stroke him before stopping my hand just long enough to pull his boxers down. _

_His hand reaches for my chin again, only this time he is pushing my head … down._

* * *

No, I didn't give into the blow job that day.

In fact, it wasn't until a year later that I actually did suck his dick.

But that's a different story for a different day.

So I look over to Alice, my smile from minutes ago gone, my appetite replaced by the telltale nausea at my thoughts.

"Alice, Edward doesn't like me."

And she backs down, knowing that I will shut down if she pushes that particular topic.

"Okay, maybe not _like_. But he's definitely into you. And Bella, Edward is probably one of the best guys that I know"

"You think he is into me just because he wants to know if I get turned on by going down the stairs?"

"Well…yeah."

We both laugh again and the tension caused by thoughts of James slowly leaves my body.

And now I know why Alice thought this new development was so important to share with me. For the past two years, Alice has had to watch me go through guy after guy, all of them assholes according to her. She has had to watch me make mistakes, has watched my self-esteem become non-existent as I continued to perform depraved acts to way too many guys.

For Alice, I can imagine Edward being her only hope in "taming" me, in stifling the behaviour that scares her. Moreover, since she cares so much about me, I know she would also love to see me with a guy "deserving" of me.

Alice can be so blind sometimes.

* * *

Once Alice goes home to prepare for her date with her "guy", I crawl underneath my thick comforter.

My brain is still hooked on Edward's reaction to the clit piercing.

_The damn clit piercing._

I groan, giving up on my attempt at blissful oblivion. My brain just won't stop.

I text Alice.

**So, what's so great about Edward anyway? –B **

Her response it almost immediate.

**He is just so nice, Bella. And I don't mean boring-nice, I mean he is funny and accepting of everyone. Really, he is just a big goof. I don't know anyone who doesn't like him. He's like TJ on Recess. –A**

**Alice, you know I never had the Disney Channel growing up. I missed out on Recess. –B**

**You're missing the point, Bella! –A**

But no, I know I'm not. I mean, if he is such a nice, awesome guy, then there is no chance whatsoever that he would want anything to do with me after he really got to know me. And even if he did, I would completely ruin him. I don't have the ability anymore to have _feelings_ (yuck!) for guys, and I can't see Edward wanting just a casual fuck buddy.

Yeah… so not something that nice guys want.

And if Alice is such good friends with Edward, I'm sure she wouldn't want me to hurt him, right?

My phone buzzes once more, and I guess I didn't reply soon enough because it's Alice once more.

**And don't you dare think that he is too good for you, Bella. You deserve the best guy in the world! –A **

Erm…yeah.

Alice has a really scary ability to read my mind sometimes; her and Rosalie.

But I guess that's understandable considering how much I tell them. I mean, they know_ everything_.

I think back to my phone call to Alice and Rosalie the morning after the "Cirque Du Solei Night", as we so kindly call it. Even back then, Alice and Rosalie could read through the lines.

* * *

**_So…? –A_**

**_What –B_**

**_How was the date, silly –A_**

**_Umm… -B_**

**_Is that a good 'umm'? –A_**

**_Let me phone you and Rose, Kay? –B_**

**_Yeah, yeah. Sure. –A_**

_I dial Rose first, briefing her, and then connect with Alice._

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Hey! Out with it, Bella!" _Alice says loudly, not one for patience._

"I…umm, lost some stars…"

_Oh, _the stars_._ _I should probably explain that one._

_I came up with the analogy a few years ago. See, a "five-star virgin" is a person who has never been kissed. And someone with no stars is no longer a virgin. _

_What the other stars represent can easily be filled in by your imagination._

"Whoa…" _Rosalie says._

"How many?!"_ Alice shouts._

_And I know I need to tell them, but how can I say it in a way that makes it okay?_

_I really want it to be okay._

_Only…_

_Alice and Rosalie are bound to see through me._

_So I suck it up, and just get it out there._

"All of them. All of them but one."

_"_Oh, Sweetie…"

_That's Alice._

"Are you okay? Really?"

_And that's Rosalie._

_When I don't answer right away, because I really _don't know_ what the answer is, Alice speaks again._

"We're picking you up."

_And just like that, our conversation ends and I relax, knowing my girls will be here in only a matter of minutes._

* * *

Once Alice and Rosalie picked me up, safe to say I spilled the details of what had happened with quite a bit of description, probably more than they needed to hear. Hell, the girls even knew that I bled for a week after the painful fingering.

Rosalie and Alice took to calling James "Scissorhands" behind my back, and only disclosed that little nickname to me after the breakup that happened four weeks later.

So_ yeah_, the girls can read me like a book.

And the fact that Alice, the person who really knows me better than anyone, thinks that Edward and I would be good together?

Well… it's a_ really_ scary thought.

* * *

**A/N:**

So…what do you think?

And by the way, Disney's Recess was a kickass show. Just sayin'.

Have a great day everyone!


	4. Chapter Three

**A/N: Characters belong to SM.**

* * *

**Chapter Three**

**Late August, 2012**

"Medium Chai Tea Latte."

I take a breath.

"_Medium Chai Tea Latte!_"

I yell out towards the patrons of Starbucks, trying to figure out who ordered the drink, trying to get a start at the next ten drinks I'm already supposed to have done.

_I hate Starbucks._

But it is a job.

A guy saunters up, looking fresh out of high school.

"I believe that's mine."

He takes the drink out of my hand extremely slowly, his hand lingering against mine. My eyes narrow, and he simply raises his eyebrows in response.

Then he licks his lips.

My face turns red in embarrassment and I turn away quickly to make the next drink.

He must recognize me.

Either from seeing me in person somewhere doing who-the-hell-knows what or maybe from the rumours and stories.

Apparently the name Bella Swan gets around.

_Just like the girl._

_Shut up!_

I shake my head at myself, my face still burning. I quickly look up, and let out a relieved breath of air at the guy's disappearing back.

It's unfortunate how often this type of thing happens, especially when I go out to the bar or am in social settings. Here at my job however, I am usually greeted by tired, overworked middle-aged people and young, inspiring writers (yeah, right), so typically I'm in the clear. Therefore, when someone does recognize me, when someone knows about me and I'm trying to just make some coffees, it's a little distressing to say the least.

_Let it go, Bella. Move on._

Right.

It's now Friday, and it's been six days since my coffee date with Alice. I've worked doubles this entire week, so it's safe to say that I've had very little time to see either Alice or Rosalie. In fact, I haven't hung out with_ anyone_, and it's a really strange feeling.

But surprisingly, not too bad.

Even tonight, being a Friday night, I have yet to make any plans. Instead, I think I'll just play Rock Band on the Wii with Brady. It's something that we used to do all the time, back when I had zero social life to speak of. We had managed to master most of the songs, despite the fact that Brady was barely five back then.

With me on the guitar and Brady on the drums, we were unstoppable.

I chuckle to myself.

_In my dreams._

I work through the rest of my shift, fortunately not recognizing any other customers; I just don't feel like making the awkward small talk. At twenty past nine, exactly twenty minutes after I was _supposed _to be done my shift, I step outside, breathing in the late summer air.

Hopping into my car, which is actually my parent's, I immediately plug in my iPod and turn up Of Monsters and Men really,_ really_ loud, drowning out my thoughts.

* * *

Brady and I have been at it for about an hour now. And I'm ashamed to say that my eight year old brother is _owning_ me at Mario Cart. Brady, being the baby of the family by several years, has it pretty lax with my parents, meaning that he typically does whatever he wants. That's not to say he is a spoiled brat; he still has a regular bedtime during week nights and most of the time he sits at the table for his meals. However, my parents essentially don't care what he does in his free time.

And what he does is play video games.

Just when I am ready to take a break and grab a drink from the fridge, my phone vibrates from where it sits beside me on the leather sofa. I peek over at the screen and after seeing it is a text from Rosalie, I set down my Wii remote and unlock the blackberry.

**So Eric is having a get together at our house tonight and you will never guess who is here. LOL! – R**

I am in the middle of typing out a response when another text comes in, alerting me with a loud buzz.

**Bella! I'm at Rosalie's with the guys and holy shit! Guess who came! – A**

Alice too?

_And geez, enough with the explanation marks!_

_Oops._

I shake my head at myself, and disregard Alice's text for the time being.

I finish off the text I had already started to Rosalie and press send.

**Okay, I'll bite. Who? – B**

I set my phone down once more, picking up the Wii remote to continue playing the game that Brady has apparently started playing solo. I wait about thirty seconds for his round to finish before I join in again. There is no need for conversation between Brady and I at this point; we just get each other. He definitely knows how distracted I can get, and he is used to it.

I realize after we've played another game that I still have no response from Rosalie.

So like her. She probably left her phone somewhere, completely forgetting about it.

I text Alice instead.

**Who is it, Alice? – B**

I laugh out loud when my phone instantly vibrates with her response.

**Mike freaking Newton! – A**

Oh boy…. _Now_ I get it.

Mike Newton.

How can I explain this one?

Although Mike is a person that neither Rosalie nor Alice has ever met before, he is a bit_ legendary_ I guess you could say, from some of my stories. Particularly _one_ story.

One year ago when I was doing all sorts of bad things, trying to escape the nightmares that I was plagued with night and day (with good reason), there was a girl who definitely had an influence on me. She was going through her own shit, and was never hesitant when it came to sharing her choice of narcotic for the night with me.

Her name was Jessica Stanley.

After I left for Australia, I finally came to my senses about her, finally listening to what Alice and Rosalie had told me from the beginning; that Jessica Stanley was_ bad_ news. Although Jessica and I don't see each other anymore now, she still likes to comment on my shit on Facebook, and I can't exactly be rude to her, so I let it slide.

_Anyway_, Jessica had a famous occurrence with Mike Newton last fall, and it is something that I will never forget, especially since I was stoned out of my mind in the same room as them at the time.

To put it bluntly, he made the mistake when fucking her of _putting-it-in-the-wrong-hole._ She had let out an unearthly screech, shocking poor Mike and not to mention ruining my buzz.

After hearing the story, Alice and Rosalie nicknamed Mike "The Punisher".

_Yeah... _

I didn't think it was their best either.

I haven't seen the kid since that day, and I wonder if he would recognize me if he saw me now, in such a different context.

Just as the thought crosses my mind, my phone buzzes _again_.

**You should totally come over! It would be hilarious! – A**

And once again, Alice Brandon has managed to read my mind.

* * *

I pull up to Rosalie's house thirty minutes later, ten of those spent driving here and the other time spent picking out which type of booze that I would bring.

I went with Crown Royale.

After being let in my one of Eric's friends, whom I know I met at the bar last weekend but can't seem to recall his name, I enter the kitchen where a group of about ten people are lingering, sipping on drinks and laughing at jokes. I spot Eric right away, as everyone's attention is focused on him.

He's always been the funny one.

Alice and Rosalie and there too, and when they spot me, they immediately leap up and drag me over to the circle of people. I bring out my Crown Royale, mixing a drink with the bottle of Pepsi that sits no more than a few inches away from me.

I'm so focused on my task that I don't realize until after I've taken my first sip that Edward Cullen is here. That he is busy talking to Alice.

They are both laughing at something and when Edward notices me looking at him, a big, lazy grin spreads across his face and his eyes light up.

Must be a happy guy.

He doesn't say anything to me, but with my hesitant smile, we acknowledge each other. Edward is wearing shorts that fall loosely to his knees, somehow staying up on those hips. His loose-fitting white tee is simple yet still looks good. Really good.

I gulp down the remainder of my drink, attempting to calm my nerves.

I really have no idea why I feel this way.

Rosalie draws me into conversation and it is a relief to turn away from Edward, to shed the awkwardness that I've felt since stepping into Rosalie's house.

"So I think we should try to get out for a bike ride at least a few more times this summer. Once the temperature goes down to 30 degrees, there is no way I'm stepping outside unless it is to sit in a heated car…"

I listen to Rosalie as best I can, nodding often enough to keep her satisfied at my involvement in the conversation. It's funny because usually, I would admit, I am the one doing all the talking and Rosalie or Alice is the listener. As time moves on, I drink more and more, participating in the conversations around me. I have lost any nervousness with the numbing ease of alcohol. Even the sight of the awkward Mike Newton walking into the kitchen has little effect on me. I just hide my chuckles behind Rosalie's hair.

I'm not sure where Edward has disappeared off to, and I'm trying really hard to stem down the curiosity. I would be lying to myself if I didn't say I hadn't thought about Edward this past week, during all of those long shifts at Starbucks. He is just so different from the guys that I've spent time with, so completely different.

I wonder if he thinks about me too.

He probably wouldn't if he knew the real me.

With my face sufficiently numb and my balance substantially altered, I make my way downstairs where half of the group has disappeared to. Including Edward.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Bleary-eyed, I spot a space on the couch between Alice and Edward. I turn, falling backward into the spot, half landing on Edward at the same time. He lets out a groan and I giggle in response.

_Whoops!_

Alice pulls me off of him, and I let my head fall onto her shoulder. I didn't realize I was so tired, and her shoulder is really, _really_ comfortable.

_Mmm._

I let myself drift.

* * *

_There's pressure._

_So much pressure._

_Holding me down. Pushing me down. Forcing me into the surface behind me. _

_I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. _

_The weight of it. Of him. Pushing me down._

_"Bella…" _

_No! I can't! Please, I can't!_

_"Bella!"_

"Bella!"

Now I'm shaking, and my eyes open. No, I'm not shaking. I'm being shaken. I open my eyes to stare up into Edward Cullen's bright green ones. It is quiet in the room, so quiet. One of his hands is holding onto my shoulder, the other wrapped around behind me, fingers gripping my back, lifting me up.

I can feel the gazes of others on me, all the others in this room. My head is spinning and it takes me a second to remember where I am.

I am in Rosalie's basement. I am with my friends.

_I'm not there. _

_I'm not with _him_._

I realize suddenly that Edward is still speaking to me. That he is asking how am I, if I want a drink of water, if he can do anything. Despite my drunken state, I can still tell that there is genuine concern in his voice.

Footsteps thunder down the stairs and Alice appears out of the corner of my eye.

"I got the game guys! What…" Alice's voice stops suddenly. The obvious disquiet in the room alerting her that something isn't right. "What's going on?"

The eyes of everyone still looking at me and Edward must tell her exactly _what's going on_. I turn my head so that I can see her, and it takes Alice only a few moments to understand what has happened.

Her voice thunders.

"What did you do, Edward?"

There is anger, so much anger.

_It wasn't him Alice, he didn't do anything._ I want to say. I want to tell her. I can't seem to get the words out.

I look between Alice and Edward now. The fury on Alice's face. The confusion on Edward's. He is still holding onto me and with a pointed look from Alice, he lets go of me slowing, gingerly letting me fall back down onto the sofa.

Apparently it's not quick enough. Alice brushes his hands aside, pushing his body away. She grabs onto my hands, pulling them to rest on her shoulders. Then she lifts me up.

"Come on, Sweetie. Let's go get some air."

I follow meekly in her wake, my body still numb, stiff.

When we reach the front porch, the crisp evening air awakening my lungs, I let my body relax.

Alice looks sad.

"I'm sorry I left you downstairs. You were passed out and I ran upstairs to get _Cards Against Humanity_. I didn't know…"

So remorseful.

"Alice," I begin, shaking my head. "It's alright. It wasn't really all that bad. It was just like a weight on my chest that I couldn't get off, it made me panic. It wasn't as bad as it sometimes is."

"But I should have known…"

"Really, it's fine. It's not your fault."

In this black of the night, with only the porch light illuminating her face, I can make out a tiny smile form on the corners of her mouth.

"Well, I suppose I owe Edward an apology then." Embarrassment colors her words. "I came downstairs and you were frozen, white as a ghost. With him leaning over you like that, I thought… well, let's just say that I panicked too."

I chuckle, and give her arm a pat. Alice being overprotecting is nothing new.

"How about we go back downstairs, ignore what just happened, and you can pretend that your best friend isn't an absolute psycho." I try to appease her with humor, but I don't think she finds my comment funny. She scowls, but grabs my hand anyways and we rejoin the party.

* * *

After several rounds of _Cards Against Humanity_, a game that I have never played but I can't help but find undeniably funny, our little group has lost all of its awkwardness over my _episode_. Edward, at least, has acted like nothing happened. He is cracking jokes, being obnoxious and loud, and treating me like a normal person. It's wonderful to have the attention off of me, especially since by now my buzz has completely left.

I'm still sitting next to him, Rosalie on my other side and Alice next to her.

We are _really_ squished on the tiny sofa, but I don't mind.

Someone suggests we play "Never Have I Ever" and I groan.

"Well, I'll be drunk in no time." I mutter under my breath, but I hear Edward chuckle quietly.

"Got a lot of dirty laundry, Bella?"

"You could say that." I mutter cryptically but join in the game anyways.

Alice starts.

"Never have I ever gone down on a girl."

I put down a finger, and take a sip.

A guy I believe named Ben goes next.

"Never have I ever gone done of a guy."

I put down a second finger, taking another drink.

Eric is next.

"Never have I ever had sex outside."

Another finger. Another drink.

And so it continues. Every single admission made by the grouping I have done. And when it comes to my turn, I go with my typical response.

"Never have I ever bungee jumped."

Alice pouts playfully, taking a small pull from her beer.

It gets her every time.

When Edward takes a turn, he looks innocently at me before blurting out, "Never have I ever got my genitalia pierced!"

The group snorts and laughs and I stick my tongue out at him. However, since it too is pierced, I don't think it helps. I don't know if I imagine it, but I think Edward's eyes darken slightly in response to my tongue.

_Hmm..._

* * *

I only know how affected Edward truly was when I get home and Alice forwards me the texts Edward sent her. It is clear he was drunk when sending them, and I laugh out loud.

**She is the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen! – E **

And…

**I bet her clit tastes like candy. I want. – E **

Then…

**Alice, I hope she's okay and that I didn't make anything worse for her. You know that I'd never hurt her, right? – E**

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the wait guys! Let me know what you think!**


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